SPIRITUAL~i~TEE

SPIRITUAL~I~TEE

So many things bring tears to my eyes lately

Is it the fluctuating hormonal shifts

Of a pre-menopausal woman?

Or is it that

finally, I’m allowing myself to feel

Safe in my own emotions?

For they are a part of me 
that I pushed away for so long

For fear of looking weak

Not being able to face my own fears or needs

Putting myself inside a neat compartment

That fit the rest of the world.

What I have learned through all this is that

It is our deepest and rawest emotions

is what truly connects us all.

Words are not even needed, as 
language is often the tool

of the deceptor

Sometimes used
to spin a story of half truths
being left to read between the lines

And even worse

OMMISSIONS

No words needed, 
but for a completely different reason

I can see through the pretense

Because I have finally faced mine.

I no longer go out to seek others

To follow me

With my very own brand of personal philosophy

My spirituality

I need to travel on my own

I need to roam 
where my spirit takes me

To a place that only a few

Who are patient enough

Willing enough 
to ask me

Where is YOUR truth.

I will still spin my words for you to read
some truth, and some fantasy

But you will find me

in my own version of real~i~TEE

conversing with the white butterfly

and black jaguar

as my only company

(c) Teresa Mary / Divinia Nightfire 19th Feb 2014 

FRAGILE STATE

 FRAGILE STATE

An emotional wreckage

Derailed  from my good intentions

Woke up crying again

But still have to put on a brave face

Nah

It’s just so much easier to stay in and hide

Stop listening to all the BS and the lies

My head is aching

My teeth echo in my face

Words get stuck in my throat

But you’d never know

I keep on smiling through the pain

Yet in my mind

Im on an unbridled journey

Travelling back in time

Processing remnants of the past

While simultaneously keeping up appearances

Just to make your life easier

You just never know

What someone is going through

Accumulated blows eventually wear you down

Not once

Not twice

It could come from the most unexpected place

But it was the one seemingly insidious comment

That broke the horse’s back.

An attack

On my fragility

No longer can I keep up with the onslaught of hostility

Wading through the deep undercurrent of 

blame

and

shame

I’m so tired

EMPTY FRAMES

 EMPTY FRAMES

Looking around my bare walls

It's a dirty white blank canvass

No pictures of my babies

No smiling family portraits

No body language on display

Nothing that would give away

What was really going on behind closed doors

The first thing I thought I should get

Was a certificate of accomplishment

Something that shows the world
 how good am I !

that for so many years I could lie

How brilliant I must be that I could fool the world

And keep smiling through gritted teeth

When slowly I was dying inside.

I’d hang it in one of those gaudy gold frames

Only problem

I haven’t been able to come up with a fancy name

That adequately describes exactly what I do,

the word “Stay at home Mum” always gets met

with a look and tone of total disdain

But guess what

I am good enough

I always was!

The most honorable job in the world to me

I even considered stealing the title

“Domestic Goddess”

But that one’s been so overused it seems,

and fallen out of favor,

because, even the most accomplished and luscious Goddess

has fallen into the clutches of being abused and publicly degraded

her private story is now what feeds the masses hungry desire.

Those accusing fingers and hands around throats

that demonize  women who don’t deal with their dirty laundry

who instead prefer to  cover it all up with tempting  smiles

and midnight snacks

a little pinch here

and a good  measure of generosity there,

it always gets thrown back in your face it seems

when trying to clean up the mess you leave

in your kitchen cupboards and closets.

I think a big certificate would look great displayed on my wall

Just to remind the whole world

How accomplished I have become

At figuring out how to see past other peoples deceptions

And false projections

Their passive aggressions

All designed to tell me that the life I lead

Is not acceptable to them

Nothing I chose about my life was right it seems

And its their bloody right

To question and demonize me,

But never ever  to my face…

Im sure they think that they figured out how to put me in my place.

5th December 2013 

TWENTY EIGHT R.P.M.

TWENTY EIGHT R.P.M. 

Did you ever feel like your life

was going round and round in circles

just like a needle on the turntable

replaying the same loop over and over

well my  first major milestone was back when I was 8

and no, not one of those 8  tracks

that you particularly liked playing back to back

on the ever ending stack of wax

I'm talking about a life changing event

It was the day that I learned to never make any attachments

not to my mother or my father

or to any other … I learned that love always walks away

So my young tender heart shielded itself by turning away

from anything that could hurt me

I became aloof, I hid the truth,

stopped the world from seeing the real me.

Conversations with myself became the norm

I looked for love through all the wrong doors

Only to have them slam back on me

back to where I started…repressing all memory

of what it was like to be loved without condition

instead, living a life full of self-derision

changing myself for others simply to be liked

losing that inner beauty of my own life

I drifted along for 20 odd years

never knowing where I was really going

But this was the norm for me

falling for anyone who I thought could “save me”

Each year losing a bit more of who I am

Slowly drifting through the wayside

I didn’t think twice what I was doing with my life

Continually getting into trouble and all kinds of strife

Forgetting my dreams, my truth, my passion

Waking up one day I asked myself “what the fuck happened?”

I was lucky back then, as I had no other responsibility

so I packed a suitcase, and chucked it in the back of a utility

I began to discover who I was inside

it was one drug fuelled hell of a ride

music, loud parties and dancing till dawn

waking up with hangovers nearly every other morn’

Then at 28 something pivotal happened

I had a dream that was a clue to my destiny

only problem was , I couldn’t interpret the sign,

I confused the message when I tried to process it with my mind

What I didn’t realize was that I was being given a gift

a key to my future, only I didn’t know it

So silly me, I blew the opportunity

Ignoring what it was right in front of me

Because I had shut down my heart so long ago

there was no way I could trust or even know

that the person I had seen in my dream

would one day manifest in my waking reality

So instead I went in a different direction

it’s a choice I made without much reflection

drifting back into my old pathetic ways

giving away my true voice, my power in so many ways

But I didn’t know any different, I thought everything was just dandy

But life has a funny (even cruel) way of coming back full circle

My life from 28 has pretty much stayed in limbo

and believe me…it’s not because I’m some dumb bimbo

I followed my stubbornness instead of the whisperings of my heart

I did things to please others which was not very smart

and I probably could have gone on like this for the rest of my life

staying safe, out of trouble, not causing any strife

But destiny is a tough teacher and it has a way of coming back

It will hit you in the face when you least suspect it

oops up side the head…like a good ole pimp slap

So, just when I had settled into complacency YOU came back

Of course I resisted and refused to believe it could be true

I mean how is it even possible… it must be a mistake

I thought my over active imagination was playing tricks on me

My whole life now turned upside down…I did a second take

But who am I to question what the beatings of my heart tell me

we can maybe fool ourselves, but only for so long

I knew it was real because I suddenly felt real light

I knew that with you I could dance on air… up to dizzying heights

Life is rarely fair when it comes to matters of the heart

Sometimes things happen to give us a jump start

But it’s never easy to walk away from what we have grown accustomed to

But seriously…I would rather die than not to be able to be there with you

If only I knew back then what I know today

still… it’s not that easy to walk away

but if life came back to tell me that you really are the one

I can no longer deny the message of my infinite I

(c) Teresa/Divinia 14th March 2013
      Written in one take.